inner pukings

A first…

It’s a funny thing, to lose yourself, even while with yourself always… Where did I go wrong? How long has it been since I have been lost? I’m sometimes surprised at how I can be so gone, yet so aware of how screwed up my life has become.

The change has been nice, exhilarating if you will. Going from “girl on the move”, to, “girl is now a mama”. I have to admit, I’m not who I want to be, nor who I’d pictured myself to portray.

A lot of me is hidden to the outside world. And, honestly, I’d like to keep it that way. Other parts of me yearn for more connection to that world. This is where turmoil begins.

On the inside I think marvelous things about my existence… On the outside I see my reality. Why have I become so stagnant? What is the purpose of this? How is all so lost? I’m lost. I hear me in the distance. I will be found, some day… I need a push.. a friend. I need different. I need to get out of this pile of life-stuff that suffocates me. Find the LIFE-STUFF that exhilarates me. Yeah. This is what I need.

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